Monday, 28 December 2009


Maybe I’m a complete saddo, but whilst I’ve pretty much lost touch with mainstream cinema, I’ve not lost interest in film criticism. I sometimes follow reviews of films very intently because I have such a strong yearning for them to fail.

I’d never actually go and watch a film because any critic said it was good, or ‘a must see’ in their clichéd phrase. But that's not to say I don't care about their opinions. I do care when they are reviewing films that really shame the human race and make me wish they'd never invented the camera.

The last instance of this was Ingolrs bestsr, or however that shithead Tarantino misspelt the title he’d stolen from another film.

Seeing Tarantino pass off stealing as ‘post-modernism’ is excruciating. Seems even this flabby nutter that dances the twist and talks to himself between serving torture porn can’t do too badly wrong. Ingl bastos was at over 80% last time I checked Rotten Tomatoes.

However, any desire I had to see ingls bsts fail just dwarfs into insignificance compared to the existential crisis I’m feeling at the thought that ‘Nine’ might get good reviews.

If it sprung from what passes as ‘original story idea’ in Hollywood, I wouldn’t care. But it’s based on one of the greatest films ever made, 8 ½ by Federico Fellini. The title catches the attention because it is a bit weird and cryptic.

‘Nine’ is just a crap title.

Furthermore, whilst 8 ½ was a challenging smorgasbord of non-linear plot, superb b/w photography and perfect acting by Marcello Mastroianni, 'Nine' attempts to draw in the crowds with lingerie clad young ladies and AABB rhyme schemed songs as well as a cast that are about as Italian as Gavin Richards. Whilst 8 ½ was a fascinating portrait of post-war, secularised, liberalised Italy, 'Nine' is just another Bratz toy in the crèche of noughties bigbabydom.

If this film is a success on any critical or commercial level, it sounds the death knell of civilisation. If 'Nine' comes to be regarded as the 'definitive version' of Fellini's vision, then I hope Xenu and the Thetans return to earth and do the job properly next time.

So please, ‘be Italian’ this holiday and watch a bloody brilliant Italian film called 8 ½. Don’t be a Hollywood shithead, and stay well-clear of ‘Nine’ whatever you do.


  1. Sounds like an atrocity. 'Be Italian'? The most fraudulent sort of fancy-dress, more like.

  2. The Hollywood production is getting bad, but I would not call it an end of civilisation, it might be the end of Hollywood. I would not necessarily go Italian but international and perhaps in the case of American movies alternative.

  3. @Tom
    True; it is so strained; it's like a Gilbert and Sullivan promotion.

    The torture never stops, to quote Frank Zappa. I don't think Hollywood could make a film so bad that complete idiots wouldn't watch it. And speaking of Thetans, Hollywood seems to be turning into a Hubbardite colony.

    As for international, weeeelll, the sad thing is I actually find it difficult to watch arthouse films to the end. I often watch about 50% then turn off. Still haven't finished Stalker or even opened my Wajda boxset and am only 1/5 of the way through my Goddard boxset. I liked the way that Hollywood used to make daft films, which nonetheless had interesting ideas, subtle humour and lots of action; films like Red Dawn, Commando, They Live or The Running Man.

    I blame it on the collapse of the Cold War, but sadly the refrozen cold war has produced little fruit so far. The only demented fantasies of the 'new cold war' are passed of as non-fiction by Ed Lucas. Give me Col Bella and Strelnikov anytime.