Friday, 3 December 2010

Leaking Stupidity





For those who believe Wikileaks to be a massive anti-climax of gossip and hearsay, one completely surprising side-effect is to prove beyond any doubt that Russia is becoming a totalitarian dystopia under the perpetual role of Adolf Hitlerstalin Putin.

On the day in which a website published documents revealing that an American ambassador speculated negatively about the state of Russian politics, the Russian media was deafeningly silent about the news.

"Russia is obviously stepping backwards", Johny Wright-Wynge, a left-wing journalist announced. "I mean, here they have an excellent opportunity to lie in the snow in a flea infested hair shirt and implore people who speak English to flog them for their shortcomings, and then maybe ask for mercy. But they've passed it up! Truly Russia is a mystery wrapped in an enigma.

'I mean, hey, I supported the Iraq war. It didn't go right. But really, if you think the sight of daft hicks sicing attack dogs on bare naked Iraqi civilians means that we don't have the upper hand, morally speaking, then you're living on another planet and I can only pity you.

'And, yeah, you know, I'm left wing; I think that Sex and the City is the greatest TV ever and Desperate Housewives is great, and cocaine good, Christianity bad, but you know, the Slav untermensch need to get their shit together, or we leftists'll kick ass. Or send some squaddies to get their arms and legs blown off. That always makes me feel cool about myself.'

Wright's comments were echoed by Fomenko Unkltomovitch who accepted to be interviewed in exchange for a packet of dog biscuits. Fomenko has been banned from working for the Russian media: a failure he attributes to his dislike of Vladimir Putin. Fomenko affirmed the significance of Russia's deafening silence and spoke to a Guardian journalist in flawless broken English and sycophantic platitudes "Yes, Russia is, uh, run by zuh gangster, uh, oligarchs. It is uh, megabig crime, vich ve are very sorry for. Ve can only hope zat ze vestern leaders see zeir senses and, uh, get behind Boris Berezovksy and uh, Mikhail Kho-dorkoh-vsky, uh, to clean up zee Russia and to, as you say, save it from zuh crooked oligarchs who uh doing so much damaging. As Khodorkovsky, ah said, in Russia ve sink British people are very clever, and zere is even folk song on subject, ve very sorry if Britain not like in folksong'.

For managing to struggle with 'Khodorkovsky' despite its being a Russian name, Fomenko was given a chew toy as a bonus prize. In return he offered to dress up as a cossack and sing about how wise British people are, but we feared for his safety in such an event.

Te Graunian, the left-wing newspaper of international influence, which is instrumental in forming American foreign policy informed the world of the need to 'reset American-Russian relations'. President Barack Obama is said to have written immediately to he Garudn to ask specifically what steps to take and immediately called Airforce One to take him to London. The article was cunningly encrypted to read like contradictory, pointless waffle with a touch of sabre-rattling to compensate for FIFA's decision to hold the 2018 world cup anywhere but England. However, this is a mere ruse to throw the NKVD off the scent.

the chief Gaurdin editor and President Obama's chief Russian affairs advisor spoke gravely of the necessity of media freedom.
"When I read the leaked messages, I was dressed up in a white sheet and banging a gong to warn the British people that the time of the beast is at hand: that Rupert Murdoch's filthy right wing paws are going to seize even more of the British media. I mean, the way media freedom works is that we publish alarmist editorials about scary foreigners and they publish alarmist editorials about scary foreigners and we publish editorials about the dangers of big government and they publish editorials about the dangers of big government. We both share the view that people who speak English have the innate moral superiority over those who don't and that nationalisation is bad, but it's important we do it for different reasons'.



(Sorry if this is utter crap, but I really couldn't begin to try and 'debate' te Graun's idiotic treatment of wikileaks. Yes, Russia has its problems and I would much rather see an economically left-wing civil-libertarian leader. but WTF do the current Western governments have to offer Russia aside from oligarchs, unquestioning support for Chechen terrorists and bombs in their parliament?)

4 comments:

  1. I was just reading a book on Napoleon and in the section on his invasion of Russia the book mentioned how Napoleon tried to lift the morale of his army by arguing that they were fighting to keep Europe safe from “Slavic barbarism,” which is funny because Napoleon was arguably the biggest warmonger in Europe at the time.

    The West is often very hypocritical when it comes to Russia. For example, as far as I know, Tsarist imperialism in Asia never featured the wholesale horrors of, say, the Congo Free State or the American conquest of the Western United States from the Native Americans. There was war and abuses in Siberia and Central Asia, but in many cases, the Tsar’s government often left the native peoples alone.

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  2. Sometime satire is the only way Gregor. We've just heard how much the Tories are arse kissing to the American political establishment and the mythical special relationship, no change there. It's incredibly frustrating and such a pool of information is mindlessly ignored by our media, even though we have been selling our sovereignty down the river for years. I mean really, I don't know what to say or do.

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  3. @ John
    'The West is often very hypocritical when it comes to Russia. For example, as far as I know, Tsarist imperialism in Asia never featured the wholesale horrors of, say, the Congo Free State or the American conquest of the Western United States from the Native Americans. There was war and abuses in Siberia and Central Asia, but in many cases, the Tsar’s government often left the native peoples alone. '


    That is very true. I think it's astounding how hypocritical people are about Tsarist Russia's history. In the 19th Century, I certainly think the Russians had far less to be guilty about than British and Americans.

    Incidentally, have you seen Goya's artwork on Napoleon's invasion of Spain? I think those really illustrate something very profound about the end result of enlightenment France, and where all efforts to impose values by force will lead.

    @Charles
    I think the worst thing is that the media is getting stupider and stupider. Whilst The Guardian was pretty good on Middle East issues, it now seems to be rudderless. Still, I think that British politics will change drastically in the reasonably near future. For better or worse, I don't know.

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  4. Hi Gregor,

    Thank you for bringing up Goya. That is a really good point. Napoleon's war in Spain might actually be closer to what is happening in Afghanistan than the usual Vietnam comparisons. Aggressive liberalism vs. reactionary religion? Unstoppable force vs. immovable object? These kinds of scenarios usually seem to end badly, which is scary.

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